Last night this monster was spotted leaping from the SE corner of the kitchen counter with a whole ream of coffee filters in his jaws. Authorities are at a complete loss as to his motives or what he may do next. This elusive thief is known to be on the prowl at night and he may be very dangerous. We are warned that he attempts to beguile his victims by purring and rolling around on his back before he strikes. For your own safety and the security of your belongings, such as hats, scarves, and socks, officials are warning us to remain vigilant.